The Enthusiast

A little bit on me :)

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My Brother's Grad Speech

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That time of the month

When emotions are heightened, and I become a bit more reflective.

Not a day has passed where I haven't heard my heart whisper his name. I've tried to ignore it, and drown it with the business of life. Convince myself that i no longer feel for him. But you see, I can't. It was with him that I learned to love at capacities far greater than I could have ever imagined humanly possible. And my heart still looks for him. It's fainter and further between. But he's still there. He'll always be. Just like the ones before him. And what I've come to peace with- I can never stop loving someone. For that to take place it would be because my heart simply stop beating.

It just shifts gears. The expression of my love to grow silent to his ears. But not to the one who holds my heart. Daily when my heart whispers his name, I simply whisper it back and say, "God, he's yours,.."

I no longer scold my heart for loving him. But look forward to the day that my heart will learn to love even more deeply a man who can receive and reciprocate this love.

Dreamers dream. And it's beautiful.
Beautiful also when dreams pass through the unseen and become reality.
Filled with expectancy of molding these dreams of mine, shaping them into something to be touched.
Something that touches. Something that reaches into the hearts of many and draws out who they are.
Something that transforms.

Roots

I love how unique we all are. The beauty that each of us bring in how we think/act/approach life.

The make up of who I am and how I relate to the world around me, is so shaped by the different places I've been, and experiences I've had- as is the case for us all.

But it's been super neat coming back to my country, and to see that even though I've lived less in this gorgeous place than where I currently reside- I carry so much of the beauty of this land within me. In some way, I find being here incredibly validating...

How I want to say hello to EVERYBODY.
How I love to give.
How I just like to BE with people.
How I'm not really concerned about time as much as people.
How I love to be touched and held, and love to  touch and hold others.
How important stories are.
How the details matter to me just as much as the whole.
My creativity.
How I do friendships.
How I love life.
How I love.

I trace it all back to my roots. Good roots, good fruit. Aside from the beauty this country has to offer, it shares it's delicious fruit with the world - and I do have a little bit of a travel bug ;)

Costa Rica, reflections

Holy Sexuality

I just read this incredible book Holy Sexuality: Beginning With Questions by Becky Patton. It's on my highly recommended book list for every human being.... Here is an excerpt, that everything inside of me just says YES to :)

Men and women were designed to be a strong help to one another, not fighting over who is more powerful. We both bear an image rooted in our Creator. We taste more fully of who God is when we dare to see one another as vital to our own existence. Beyond just marriage, by being in relationship together-man and woman- we have the opportunity to reflect the image of God in a more expanded way. When we bring the fullness of who we are-man or woman- to the fullness of another and dare to see God between us, we taste the truest essence of God. (53)

Holy Sexuality

Just a Little Offending the Mind in Hopes of Revealing Some Heart....

I am the True Vine, and My Father is the Vinedresser.

² Any branch in Me that does not bear fruit [that stops bearing] He cuts away (trims off, takes away); and He cleanses and repeatedly prunes every branch that continues to bear fruit, to make it bear more and richer and more excellent fruit.

³ You are cleansed and pruned already, because of the word which I have given you [the teachings I have discussed with you].

⁴ Dwell in Me, and I will dwell in you. [Live in Me, and I will live in you.] Just as no branch can bear fruit of itself without abiding in (being vitally united to) the vine, neither can you bear fruit unless you abide in Me.

⁵ I am the Vine; you are the branches. Whoever lives in Me and I in him bears much (abundant) fruit. However, apart from Me [cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.

⁶ If a person does not dwell in Me, he is thrown out like a [broken-off] branch, and withers; such branches are gathered up and thrown into the fire, and they are burned.

⁷ If you live in Me [abide vitally united to Me] and My words remain in you and continue to live in your hearts, ask whatever you will, and it shall be done for you.

⁸ When you bear (produce) much fruit, My Father is honored and glorified, and you show andprove yourselves to be true followers of Mine.

⁹ I have loved you, [just] as the Father has loved Me; abide in My love [^[a]continue in His love with Me].

^# If you keep My commandments [if you continue to obey My instructions], you will abide in My love and live on in it, just as I have obeyed My Father’s commandments and live on in His love.

^{^} I have told you these things, that My joy and delight may be in you, and that your joyand gladness may be of full measure and complete and overflowing.

⁺ This is My commandment: that you love one another [just] as I have loved you.

^* No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends.

^$ You are My friends if you keep on doing the things which I command you to do.

^@ I do not call you servants (slaves) any longer, for the servant does not know what his master is doing (working out). But I have called you My friends, because I have made known to you everything that I have heard from My Father. [I have revealed to you everything that I have learned from Him.]

John 15:1-15

Something I've known all along in my heart, just clicked in my head.

I don't know if you've ever felt that a certain way was meant to be that way- at the essence of your very being  - but to have no concrete reason or even an ability to communicate the heart of what you experience to be true.

That's what I've been mulling over for quite some time now. Not actively. I'm not the type of person to really spend time dissecting a thought. I let the questions pass through my stream of consciousness and let them sit on their beautiful shelf in my brain labeled "mysteries to maybe one day encounter a thought that will later provoke more questions on the matter, or maybe possibly stumble upon the reasoning to" (to give you a glimpse of  how my brain works)

The subject matter: Faith. Love. Motives. Religion. True Freedom. Identity in Christ. Actions.

I caught a glimmer of something good, and being the external processor that I am- here I am blog world.

I'm reading a book in the bible called romans. In it there is a lot of talk about the law. Law being a set of rules to follow that God had shared a ways back. t's to cross i's to dot, pretty nit picky, a bit persnickety, impossible to follow. Yet. There are a lot of people who try to live by rules, and believe that their relationship with God is governed by their adherence to them. Not perfects = not accepted by God. (Which is SO not the heart of God... I think these rules were just to show us who He is. He is pure. He is more that I can even begin to understand, imagine, or even write about. But when looking at the law, and how impossible it is to uphold, it just highlights the fact that I am human, and in desperate need of connection to my Papa- the one who made me, who know's what my heart is about, what my heart was designed for, and that without Him my very breath is... well... vanity.) Back to these rule-bent people.

First of all, no qualms- God loves them no less than any other of His beloved creation. It's a system that works based in control. Controlling ones own actions to achieve a certain result (righteousness with God.) Do A, and B and C and D and E and F and G....to achieve or maybe achieve 123456  It's all about me. What I can produce. What I can give. What I can do for you "for the sake of the gospel"

I've seen people move from this camp to the radical opposite (it's easiest to show examples with extremes) Where anything and everything is acceptable. If you can think it, and want it, and make it happen then it's fair game. Another system based in control. I am already counted as righteous, therefore I can do whatever I want... This creates a false sense of freedom. Because now I can do (or not do) whatever I want -remember before I had to do A B C D... And here again it's all about me. How I feel. What makes sense for me for this time.

I'm sure I've been in (or maybe still am in portions of) both camps. But there is so much more...

And where I keep coming back to - TRUST.

In order to trust there needs to be FAITH.

Now faith is the assurance (the confirmation, the title deed) of the things [we] hope for, being the proof of things [we] do not see and the conviction of their reality [faith perceiving as real fact what is not revealed to the senses].

I like to read a wordy version of the Bible (imagine that!) that I feel gives me a fuller scope of the meaning of what's written...

And I see these words come up in regards to Believing in Jesus... believe in Me [trust in, rely on, and adhere to Me]. Adhere to... Rely on... trust in... Believe in... All of this very distinct from the other two camps I described. Unlike the other areas, its a place of surrender that this requires. A surrender of that control that sits so enticingly atop the other two schools of thought. Surrender. to yield... to give... to be vulnerable. 

 #

Instead of me hiding behind a facade of power I pour out my heart, and vulnerably wait for what I call "the great exchange" some cool thing that happens after sharing everything on my heart and mind with God. And there's just...Joy/Peace/Love combo that's just hard to describe. And there is FREEDOM true freedom. An ability to step into all that I was created to be. 

 ^

This surrender turns into a source of strength. And from there a desire to give of this strength. In the way that Christ gave of Himself to us. "No one has greater love [no one has shown stronger affection] than to lay down (give up) his own life for his friends."

+ *

And then I just want all that God wants, all that His heart is for. Because it's just SO. FREAKING. GOOD.

 $@

... back to what clicked for me in Romans...
Abraham. "Abraham believed in (trusted in) God, and it was credited to his account as righteousness (right living and right standing with God) Now to a laborer, his wages are not counted as a favor or a gift, but as an obligation (something owed to him). But to one who, not working [by the Law], trusts (believes fully) in Him Who justifies the ungodly, his faith is credited to him as righteousness (the standing acceptable to God)." (Romans 4:3-5) It was his faith in God and not his actions that gave him that right standing. Sayonara camp #1...

"Thus David congratulates the man and pronounces a blessing on him to whom God credits righteousness apart from the work he does..." (Romans 4:6) -the word apart here adds another question to my beautiful shelf, does God recognizing peoples hearts in camp one and credit righteousness also to people in accordance to the work they do? Idk.... "Blessed and happy and to be envied are those whose iniquities are forgiven and whose sins are covered up and completely buried. Blessed and happy and to be envied is the person of whose sin the Lord will take no account nor reckon it against him. Is this blessing (happiness then meant only for the circumcised..." -circumcised here referring to people adhering to the law- "or also for the uncircumcised?  We say that faith was credited to Abraham as righteousness. How then was it credited [to him]? Was it before or after he had been circumcised? It was not after, but before he was circumcised. He received the mark of circumcision as a token or an evidence [and] seal of the righteousness which he had by faith while he was still uncircumcised--[faith]so that he was to be made the father of all who [truly] believe though without circumcision, and who thus have righteousness (right standing with God) imputed to them and credited to their account, As well as [that he be made] the father of those circumcised persons who are not merely circumcised, but also walk in the way of that faith which our father Abraham had before he was circumcised. For the promise to Abraham or his posterity, that he should inherit the world, did not come through [observing the commands of the Law but through the righteousness of faith. (Romans 4:7-13)

Abraham's righteousness was credited to him BEFORE he was circumcised. Before he decided to adhere to the law, he was considered a righteous man-and ultimately a friend of God. This is the kicker for me... "He received the mark of circumcision as a token or an evidence [and] seal of the righteousness which he had by faith while he was still uncircumcised...." He still received the mark of circumcision- a life set apart. He still upheld the law... WHAT? Here goes camp #2 There still is something about obeying God's commands. Why would this father of many nations chose to live a life that was different if he's already been justified? To touch more people... God is a relational being. There is so much value placed on relationship. With Him. With one another....

You see, if Jesus were a head - then His church is His body. A body- sure it can live without an eye, or a toe or a ear- but it's incomplete. Here we have Believers of God who 1) are working to earn God's favor and anyone living a sinful lifestyle is far from God and unacceptable and  2) Believers of God who are living however they want because they wave a bloody wand over their past and pretend it's not affecting their present. And there's an animosity between the two each thinking their own is better and "right" Then we have Abraham. A man righteous by faith (trust, a vulnerable reliance and surrender to a visibly unseen God). And though not required to- lives by the law. Why? To bear influence. The influence given to him from God. A Father. The role of a father? Personally the most formidable- A father calls out identity. He says "this is who you are" He acts by giving both protection and providence. There are so many attributes to Father and all that position entails is given to Abraham for no just camp one but camp two as well. "so that he was to be made the father of all who [truly] believe though without circumcision, and who thus have righteousness (right standing with God) imputed to them and credited to their account, As well as [that he be made] the father of those circumcised persons who are not merely circumcised, but also walk in the way of that faith which our father Abraham had before he was circumcised."

There's a maturity in this balance. And it comes down to the heart. Is my heart acting on it's own behalf, or am I exposing my heart surrendering and receiving what He truly gives.

Red Light, Green Light

I wanted to go to the Red Light District.
Exactly what for, I wasn't sure. I knew it would be difficult to see.
Ladies standing in windows just big enough for one person, red fluorescent lights shining on them as they batted their eyes and gestured toward onlookers enticing them to buy.
What is it that people are purchasing? I don't even have words.
All that surfaces is an infuriating sadness that just wants to shake their clients and say "DO YOU KNOW THEIR WORTH? ... Do you know yours?" 

And though I know not the depths of each of these girls stories, where they've come from, or how they view themselves- the value of what they truly hold- something inside of me aches on their behalf.

Initially after seeing the first gal, I averted my eyes. But what sort of message does that send? One of shame. I knew that most of the looks that these ladies received were ones of lewdness, pity, shame, or disdain. Each of these women- I looked into their EYES in a way attempting to validate the worth that they each hold. It may be a seemingly meaningless act - just another tourist walking by.

Though I am still learning the vastness of my own worth, I stood before them a woman, recognizing their worth as women - with the hope that their eyes will one day see it too.

Changing Lights by Natasha Acuna on SoundCloud

on lies and how their twisted

Sometimes God has to remove us from situations we're in in order to identify the areas of destruction we've allowed to fly under the radar.

Standing farther from the painting gives a more complete view of the whole.

The fruit we thought was sweet, we didn't recognize, or really taste. This fruit may start as sweet, but when you pause long enough from eating it- it tastes bitter and almost repulsive compared to the sweet fruit of TRUTH.

Unearthed.

When I was little I dreamed of this beautiful place with this beautiful language, and a culture of whose I wanted to experience.

A few years later while standing at the bus stop, my sister shared a book that revealed that same dream.

I thought that I had to be different, and that we both couldn't carry this dream.  So I let it fade in my heart and let her hold it in hers.

YEARS later. Man posed this women with a question, seemingly out of the blue, "When are we going to Paris? Let's go to Paris" My heart thriving on adventure, especially of the spontaneous sort, responded with something like, "Let's go! Whenever you'd want!" And even though that question came and went like the breeze we sat amidst, it echoed within my heart.

It awakened this long lost dream. One of many treasures that had been buried was now unearthed.

Oceans seem like lakes, and country lines like neighborhoods to me now.

It's with overwhelming excitement that I share with you that I get to see this dream take shape and pour toward yet a couple more. Tomorrow- I'm going to Paris! :)

A Kingly Heart.

Had a little essay contest at work about the impact that Rev. Martin Luther King Jr's "I have a Dream" speech has had on my life.... this was what I submitted :)

Looking out at a sea of people-
I see smiles.
I see tears.
I see the beauty that life holds.
A sense of community, a sense of belonging-
An ability to embrace all that these hearts hold-
Hearts with the strength to stand beside one another-

This is what King did for us.

This is the impact he's made.

No longer barriers between tribes, tongues, or nations.

Uniquely individual, yet intrinsically  connected.

He's enabled me to see and embrace this beauty-

To dream bigger, to dream louder.