Psalm from the Heart

How long O Lord?
How long will my heart be searching?
How much longer before I can share this deep love that You've placed within my soul?
How long before I see my heart for family realized?
How long before I will continually share the depths of who I am with a man?
How long before this man shares the depths of who he is with me?
How long before we enter into covenant?
How long before two become one?
How long before the emptiness of my hand and my heart become full?

But, Papa, I know that my hand is not truly empty- for you have always been holding mine in yours.
You have never left me in wanting for something you cannot satisfy.
Thank you- Your timing is perfect.
Thank you- Your way is right.
Thank you- Than You are shaping me into more of what you've intended for me to be.
I know that you will bring forth---and I thank you for--- the man of great strength and mind and heart that you have for me.
A man whose heart is Yours
A man who bears Your image
And sees your image in mine.
That together, we will greater reveal your heart for this perfect time- for the places and nations you will set before us

We place our trust and hope in you, O Lord.
For we know your way is best
You are faithful
You are good
You are true

You never leave or forsake us
You haven't placed within me deep longing for things without hope
I trust you, Papa,
I do.

I wrote this in October of 2015, but thought to share it just now as I have been SO encouraged in this journey. I will meet new people in the passing- on a bus, on a plane. And regardless of the fact that my fingers are presently ringless, I am always asked if I am married. People seem disappointed when I'm not. Not necessarily because it is a social norm (but maybe so). But they all seem to see and to voice the quality person that I am- the can see the value that I hold, and desire for someone to value me deeply in this way. I get it. I do too. It never fails to inspire hope to my heart. I've had many a blessings, prayers, and well wishes from perfect strangers along this journey. Helpers within my story. The story is of course still in process, as it will forever be. But I am grateful to all you who have spoken life into my future, and peace into my present. Thank you

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I hope that for you who are determined not to settle find encouragement in this <3

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September 1st 2017:

Little did I know that just months later I'd meet the man with whom that I'd spend the rest of my life.
Little did I know that you were guiding my every stride.
Little did I know that one cup of tea would change my whole world.
Little did I know the amount of safety, security, and comfort that I'd find within his arms.
Little did I know that my favorite place to rest my head would be upon his chest.
Little did I know that you were saving the best of the best.

Time and Space of My Heart

These days my heart is filled with so much vibrancy of color and complexity of sounds and radiant light.

I just want for this heart to burst forth onto a multidimensional canvas that moves and reflects light, and where sound can be seen heard and felt!

The piece would be abstract with colors of sound dripping everywhere while it dances with light.

But.
This canvas is not yet.
And I feel this weightiness of heart,
a good weight,
a grounding weight,
an anchoring weight.
A weight that causes the colors and music and light to to be pipelined into distinct spaces for each sound each color each wave of light.
Patiently (and sometimes not so patiently) I watch each of these elements of my heart find their individual places.
Like a supernova I want for this all to explode forth.
But.
I see the purpose of waiting.
Space is being made.
It's with a steady hand that I'll be able to pick each color, each sound bite, each light ray to begin to create the most beautiful of dancing fractals.


...
In the meantime I think I'm going to start watching monks make mandalas... ;)

Pan-handled Pondering

Tonight we had a lovely women's night with ladies from my church- a place of new beginnings. I am excited for all that will be birthed out of this new place of connecting and reconnecting. I haven't been a part of a church for a while as the most recent community I had been a part of ended up being a very painful experience to all involved. To new beginnings!

The theme of our night centered around an act of service to the communities in which we each live. Everyone brought something: deodorants, toothbrushes, granola bars, waters, socks, scarves, underwear, etc. And we packed little care packages to share with the people we encounter in need on the street. This was a super fun activity and terrific way to connect with one another and provide avenues to connect in our respective communities where we live or work or study.

Some of the conversations surrounding the night I found fascinating. It opened my eyes to the cultures in whose midst I stood. Not bad. Just different. And always good. I heard twangs of apprehension and stretching into a new arena for some. From others I heard of the years or traditions families have made around serving the least of these. In whatever arena I find myself, I always feel bicultural- like I live in the realm of the both/ and.

Both of my parents work in some ways directly or indirectly with those in the system or off grid. Single teen moms on welfare to the train hopping travelers. Through them I've had an indirect access to the other worlds surrounding us.  Though I don't know the depths of the struggle of true homelessness (I've had very limited couch hoping experiences during in between seasons with foreseeable reprieve)  some people very dear to me have experienced the depths of the struggle encountered in homelessness. Through my parents, I've had more prominent connections with some people, and almost regard each other as long lost friends when we each inquire about one another through one of my parents.  Others have been very formative in my thinking (and style!) even in such a brief encounters as giving someone a ride who got separated from their traveling crew. And. At the same time, as my parents are more aware of the interworkings of these cultures- I've been kept at a safe distance. Sheltered. Yet Not. Sheltered enough to be safe, yet not sheltered enough to be kept away from these worlds. Instead I've been given the opportunity and freedom to embrace and build friendships. A sort of urban biculturalism.

So that's the set up. And here are the thoughts...

When encountering pan-handlers a common phrase I hear (and one that has been the guiding of my own actions in some situations) is, "I don't give money, because I don't know what they're going to spend it on..." Totally valid. We invest our money where we want to see something in return. We desire for there to be a fruitful return, whether to us or to the person we give to. But this draws out a bunch of questions for me...
Okay so if that's our stance then, the products we buy, the companies we are supporting- are we too taking into account where they spend their money whether to line the pockets of the CEOs to spend simply on more expensive booze or vices? Are we gaging whether where we buy our clothes or foods to ensure there is a benefit to all to give back to it's people who've developed, manufactured, produced, and advertised their product. Or do we look at where we are spending our money? On necessity? On pleasure? On self medication? On other investments that bring forth life?
It may not be the typical 9-5 but can we regarded pan-handlers as business men. Working shifts to earn their living to cover their necessities, pleasures, self-medications, and investments. I guess the point to my questions. Whether on the street corner or in the skyscraper aren't we all the same? And if we are concerned with peoples vices, are we offering another way? Are we willing to step into the unknown depths of peoples souls and partnering with them in it. Expectancy of hope and healing and new life.
And the withholding of our money is this a posture of our hearts? Withholding the offering of ourselves in our time? Maybe it's not. I know there is a practicality to budgeting what and where and how we give in order to be good stewards of what we are entrusted with whether it be time or finances.
A face comes to mind. She asked me for money, I asked her what for? A beer, she bluntly responded. I ended up walking into the local convenience store and getting her favorite. I want to say that as we sat on the curb a remarkable life changing experience happened. Maybe it did, and maybe it didn't. I don't know. I don't know the effects that this singular moment held. I know that we continued to waive in the crossing of our paths.
But then what if I give someone the money they need to OD?
It's a risk.
But I can't help but always think of the potential for good that each heart holds. And as I give, I trust the motive of my heart, and the bigness of God to shape and move and mold both where my hand is set out to give, and the hearts of those that receive.

A song by Jenny and Tyler comes to mind as I write:

Faith in What?

What I believe, and how I believe is ever being transformed. Some recent stirrings of my heart, and some good conversations inspired this. This isn't concrete or set in stone. Like anything within my life and heart, I desire for this to be malleable.

I believe that God is love. He - (I don't think that God is limited to one gender, I think that since we are created in His image both male and female the coming together of man and woman greater exemplifies the character of God-but I use the pronoun He, because it's just easier)- He is so much more- but ultimately love. I don't think that He's far off, rather SO near- tangibly expressing that love in both the extravagant and the most minute of details. Always communicating and if we are just willing to notice we'd be able to enter into some pretty awesome conversations. I believe that He has SO much for us. He has so much to give, and draw out within us. 

I think that we are His works of art, and He is so invested, in seeing us learn, grow, and meet our full potential. He is committed. I feel like each of us embody certain characteristics of Him, and that the entirety of the universe is filled with the anticipation of us becoming all that He's created us to be. And first and foremost (aside from what we DO) that anticipation built up around us knowing who we truly are- sons and daughters of the living God. Sons and daughters of our King! And with Him being King- and us being his BELOVED children- there is an inheritance with that, an authority that we have on this earth now and in the age to come. 

As His children, not only are we taken care of by Him, but empowered to create or reshape life both in the tangible realm and the unseen. Partnering with Him as powerfully creative life forces, since He has come to give us life and life abundantly. I think that we are unsettled with things pertaining only to this realm as the longings we hold within our hearts can only truly be satisfied within our connection with Him. I think that matters of our hearts can hinder that connectedness with Him- not from His standpoint, as I believe His heart is ALWAYS for us, and He is always pursuing us in love. Rather, from our temporal inability to to let go of whatever we are holding and embrace him. (Like in the Garden when God was looking for Adam and he had been hiding.) 

So I think that sin separates us from God, not because God can't get his hands dirty, but because we spend so much effort distancing ourselves due to shame. I think that the purpose of the law was to exemplify how much we couldn't do this life within our own strength and that we are dependent upon God. I think that the commandments were things to help us govern our hearts, and the life that we share with others- a template for how to love well. That this life is about loving God, ourselves, and others with all that we are. And I think that that's where Jesus comes in. 

I believe that we encounter a triune God. Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. And because we can tend to get so wrapped up in performance and the tallies either for or against us, that He came to walk among us- show us how to live dependently upon God, and to shake up everything we ever clung to (whether that be people, places, profession, ideas, etc). He showed us how to truly live in the laying down of His life. He demonstrated that there is life in the laying down of our lives. THAT is love. Emptying out yourself for another person. (but not from that needy I don't value myself but I value you to give up all that I am for you type of way. But from a knowing and experiencing your place of power and surrendering that completely to another). I feel like the reality of life entails learning to live as we are. LOVED. Outrageously and relentlessly loved. And from that place of being loved, loving others. I see community playing a vital role within this. The relationships with our family and friends being both the soil and the tools for this love to develop and grow. These relationships both reveal the truth of what love is, and what it is not. But that ultimately God is above all things, in Him all things hold together. Our relationships, our lives. And our time here we're learning to trust that. To trust Him.

Encouragement and an Exuberant Embracement of the Single Status

A little bit of a rewrite from my Sleepless in Seattle Blog (circa 2009), but a story worth revisiting, especially on a day like today :)

There was so much beauty to drink in when canoeing down this river. It simply took my breath away. On this particular day, in addition to the raw natural beauty we passed, the man-made structures that were built along the riverbed caught my eye. I was mesmerized by all of the interesting houses with their differing shapes. Features I'd never before seen. My mind drifted to thoughts of the possibility of one day building a house, embracing some of the architecture from this trip sketching in my mind plans for a future. Mind continued to wander. Maybe my (future) husband and I would build one together. Or maybe even before then. I had been thinking of marriage a lot during this time period. I ended up telling God that I wanted someone to romance me. "I want to be romanced... Swept off my feet" Just one of those little passing thought prayers that you don't spend to much time thinking about.

Quite some time later on this same canoeing expedition, I see this little red object bobbing up and down with the flow of the river. As we continued forward, I tried to take a better look to identify what this intriguing bright red THING could be. Before I knew it my hand was in the water fishing it out so that I could get a better look. When I realized what it was, I couldn't help but smile.

A rose.
A single
fresh cut
red rose.
BEAUTIFUL.

God had not only heard my prayer, but HE romanced me.
It was beautiful.
And I love Him.
He's quite a romantic one...

<3

Another good post that I came across for today from October of 2010

I praise God for my singleness!

He has given me time
to spend in the secret place
He and I.
My beloved.
The place where I get to know His heart and
He gets to explore mine
Mine.
As in:
JUST ME.

I can catch a plane at a moments notice
without a care in the world
I have wings to soar with
Not that I won't soar when I'm married-
I'm just learning to fly high now
Yes, someday it will be alongside someone-
and maybe we'll fly to even greater heights
BUT- I won't be a rookie to the air :)

God has given ME this time to explore
and discover
I've thought for so long
this state of singleness was a holding pattern
For when both I and my future husband are ready for each other
BUT
It's not
This is a gift
That will be a gift too
This is my gift now.

I've started a list of what I want to do while I am still single
What things do you want to do to embrace the season you are in?

(for those of you who presently know me, this is two years and two months prior to me being involved in the airline industry. It "just so happened" that I related the depth of my relationship with God to the heights reached in flying :)

<3

Being in a relationship is a beautiful thing. But being single is a beautiful thing too! Take time to discover, embrace, and challenge yourself. Take risks- apply for that job, create that work of art, walk across the pacific ocean, or fly to Mars. It's not too far-fetched. Embrace the dreams your heart hold. Embrace the people you encounter at school, at work, in the passing on the street. Embrace open armedly the fullness of what you have to offer this life and what Life has to offer you.

And know: you're not alone <3

That time of the month

When emotions are heightened, and I become a bit more reflective.

Not a day has passed where I haven't heard my heart whisper his name. I've tried to ignore it, and drown it with the business of life. Convince myself that i no longer feel for him. But you see, I can't. It was with him that I learned to love at capacities far greater than I could have ever imagined humanly possible. And my heart still looks for him. It's fainter and further between. But he's still there. He'll always be. Just like the ones before him. And what I've come to peace with- I can never stop loving someone. For that to take place it would be because my heart simply stop beating.

It just shifts gears. The expression of my love to grow silent to his ears. But not to the one who holds my heart. Daily when my heart whispers his name, I simply whisper it back and say, "God, he's yours,.."

I no longer scold my heart for loving him. But look forward to the day that my heart will learn to love even more deeply a man who can receive and reciprocate this love.

Do you know what you're worth?
Do you know what you hold?

Did you know that there's more to life than the lies you've been told?

You may have felt that something offbeat, a smokescreen
it's incomplete
but let me tell you there is so much more...

more than what you could dream imagine or hope for.

It doesn't hide the mess with a magic wand or pretty dress.
But I'll tell you one thing - there is something to this openness.

Hope Chest

When I was younger my Grandma Pat gave me a few items for my hope chest.
A crystal candy dish was among them.
Years later my aunt gave me cool wall hangy things, into the "hope chest" they went.
My hope chest keeps growing and growing, and within the last few day's at quite a rapid pace.
I can't help but be excited as I can tell that these items are going to be put to use very soon.

A few weeks ago while discovering my home decor style is "vintage eclectic" whilst looking through a magazine with a friend. I spotted a couch that I thought was incredible. Not so incredible when I saw the $900 price tag. BUT while out on a walk on my BIRTHDAY nonetheless I came upon this vintage couch almost identical to what I had seen only weeks before... Happy Birthday to me!

I praise God for this and for friends who helped me load it into the van.

(Random side story.... We don't have a shop-vac anymore so I took my van to a little car care place, paid 75 cents, and vacuumed the dog hair off the couch from the previous owner :)

While out celebrating with a couple of friends we discovered yet another little take home treasure. A round kitchen table and 2 chairs! Win!

God's providing for my needs before they are even needs, it's so great, He's moving so powerfully so quickly. I'm loving sitting back and resting in Him as we coast forward together :)

I praise God for my singleness!

He has given me time
to spend in the secret place
He and I.
My beloved
The place where I get to know His heart and
He gets to explore mine
Mine.
As in:
JUST ME.
I can catch a plane at a moments notice
without a care in the world
I have wings to soar with
Not that I won't soar when I'm married-
I'm just learning to fly high now
Yes, someday it will be alongside someone-
and maybe we'll fly to even greater heights
BUT- I won't be a rookie to the air :)
God has given ME this time to explore
and discover
I've thought for so long
this state of singleness was a holding pattern
For when both I and my future husband are ready for each other
BUT
It's not
This is a gift
That will be a gift too
This is my gift now.

I've started a list of what I want to do while I am still single
What things do you want to do to embrace the season you are in?

(Just)Trust

Jesus full of the Holy Spirit returned from the Jordan and was led by the Spirit in the desert. Luke 4:1

Sometimes, like Jesus, we are led from places of triumph to a place of difficulty.

Jesus returned from the Jordan.

The Jordan was the place where God had proven His faithfulness and His greatness to the people of Israel.

God wanted to establish Joshua's authority among the Israelites as their leader after the death of Moses,

"so they know that I am with you as I was with Moses" Joshua 3

God instructs Joshua to,

"Tell the priests who cary the ark of the covenant, "when you reach the edge of the Jordan's waters, go and stand in the river" verse 8

The Israelites obey the decree of the Lord, despite the fact that the river was swelling because it was in flood stage.

"Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water's edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away... The priests who carried the ark of the covenant of the Lord stood firm on dry ground in the middle of the Jordan, while all Israel passed by until the whole nation had completed the crossing on dry ground."

Israel's OBEDIENCE to the command of the Lord enabled them to STAND FIRM on dry ground during the flood season of the Jordan River.

I want to STAND FIRM on the dry ground that the Lord has prepared for my willingness and obedience to trust Him. How about you?

God did an amazing act among His people that day.

The Jordan is also a significant place in the life of Jesus.

This is where His father affirmed Him as His Son. We see this in Luke 3:21

"When all the people were being baptized, Jesus was baptized too. And as He was praying heaven was opened and the Holy Spirit descended on Him like a dove. And a voice came from heaven: 'You are my son, whom I love with you I am well pleased.' "

It was at the Jordan were His identity was solidified by His Father's voice.

It reminds me of those seasons where you feel so close to God, where you can hear His constant affirmations and feel His warm embrace. -- What great seasons :)

There are times,though, that God feels a little further away even though we know that He is with us. We don't rely on our feelings during these times but on His character and on His Word. He says

" Fear not for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...." Isaiah 43:1-3

We stand on the promise that he will not leave us or forsake us.

Jesus was led by the Holy Spirit into one of those seasons, he was led into the desert.

It reads in verse 2 that for 40 days he was tempted in the desert (and I think one day is bad!). He ate nothing during those days, and at the end of them He was hungry.

It was in His hunger that the devil said to him, 'If you are the Son of God tell this stone to become bread.' Jesus answered, 'It is written man does not live on bread alone'

Here Jesus is quoting Deuteronomy. He's referring to a passage that is reminding the Israelites not to forget The Lord. The entire verse reads,

"He humbled you causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

The point of this being that when Jesus was tried by satan He STOOD FIRM upon the Word of The Lord.

There is a steadfstness here, a stability. Unshaken. Unmoved. His foundation is firm. It's secure. He knows that His Father is

"Not a man that would lie, nor a son of man that would change his mind."

Again satan comes at Jesus but this time higher (verse 5)

" The devil lead him to a high place and showed Him in an instant all the kingdoms of the world. And he said to Him, 'I will give you all their authority and splendor for it has been given to me, and I can give it to anyone I want to. So if you worship me, it will all be yours"

side note- I know that some of you might be wondering how satan could give this to Jesus if Jesus is God...

The Lord gave the earth to men but through our sin we hand over our rightful authority to satan. Sin is how sstan gains legitimate access to our hearts, marriages, families, homes, territories, nations. But since we rightfully won this and it's been redeemed and purchased back by the blood we can reclaim these territories back to the Lord and turn our back on sin.

Back to Jesus' response, again He goes to the word. Here is the living word declaring the written word to defeat the enemy

"It is written worship the Lord your God and serve Him only."

pwnd!

The devil led Jesus to Jerusalem and had Him stand on the highest point of the temple. Now here satan tries to use the word against Jesus he says to Him, "If you are the son of God throw yourself down from here for it is written 'He will command His angels concerning you to guard you carefully, they will lift you up in their hands, so that you do not strike your foot against a stone'"

This is a statement from the Word of God . Jesus could have done this and seen it come into action, but he saw the intention behind it and refutes satan by saying " It says 'do not put the Lord your God to the test.' When the devil had finished all this tempting he left him until an opportune time."

satan gave up. There was no shaking Jesus. He was rock solid. Founded on the Word of God. This is how we need to be. Unshakable. Rooted firm in the truth of the Lord. We need to believe God so that we too can stand firm and walk on solid ground.

James 12:23 says, "Abraham believed God, and it was counted to him as righteousness, and he was called God's friend."

I want to be called God's friend! I want to be considered righteous because I believe Him, because I trust Him.

A True God Sent

I just met the most amazing woman that I have ever met in my life. One day she realized that she could do more than just be a house wife, and she prayed to God that he would show her how to use her to the best of her abilities. The next day a woman stopped by early in the morning asking her if she could take care of her three kids. More and more children kept arriving, and pretty soon she had to ask her mother in law for space to watch kids, but even that wasn’t enough. Within time she had some government support and was able to have a place for the kids to come daily. Her doors open before 6 and she has kids until after 10 at night.

She receives a little bit of government support for 80 some of the children. She receives well over that number, many of the children’s parents undocumented and unable to pay. She’s all go go go – as she runs the whole show with the help of 3 other women.

The most impacting thing is the LOVE that she pours out for these children. She shared with me that with every diaper she changes she is giving everything she has. She won’t make disgusting faces, but willingly cleans each one of them – just one of the many ways that she expresses her love to the children. She also shared about she disciplines them and uses tough love so that they learn, and won’t let them get by with all that they try to do. She boasts that not one swear word is spoken within her gates.

What broke my heart was hearing the story of a little boy and his little sister. Their mother is a prostitute and drug addict, both born of different fathers. They are some of the kids that are there until ten at night. One day the mom dropped of her son, and not her daughter. She didn’t come back to pick him up until four days later. This same little boy has been abused by his stepfather- his little sister’s father. The woman explains that those are the reasons why she works as much as she does.

She provides a safe place for these children to be. Free from drugs, free from violence, and abuse. If they weren’t with her they would be in their houses, neighbor’s houses or on the streets, suffering through all sorts of evils. She knows all about the street life, having grown up there herself, and she wants something better for these kids. She wants to have a place where they are safe, they are loved, and they are encouraged to move forward in their studies and live a different lifestyle from that of their parents.