My hearts road rash

The first week I was here I wiped out on my rollerblades, ripping off several layers of skin. Epidermis no longer there, exposing the dermis with all of the nerve endings. This I found to be quite painful. So much so that an attempt to rip the gauze off of the wound, nearly sent me into shock- clamy skin, nasuea, the works. I eventually used some interesting bandages that act as a second layer of skin, covering the exposed nerve endings and providing a moist scab type covering using the wound's exudate.

And now its nearly healed. I forget about it now, whereas last week I would find my self lifting up my pant leg and playing with the bubble of exudate every where I went.

This whole healing process reminds me of my emotional healing process...
The hurt and pain causing everything to feel so raw, where anything could trigger pain shooting throughout my entire being. Like the gauze I tried to conceal it all, keep it covered, but I wasn't using the right material. I found myself seeking strength, and affirmation in outside sources such as excelling in academics, and receiving attention from men. Tearing these away, surrendering, quite a painful process, and one which I avoided for some time, but once removed the right dressing could be applied.

The gentle healing touch of the Lords hand upon my heart. Who used the "exudate" of my heart and used it for good, turning my hurts, and fears, and shame, into something new - a scab, and the start of new skin, a new joy a new song.

I feel as though where I am at with my leg wound depicts where I am at with my heart wounds. I forget about it sometimes, cuz it just doesn't hurt so much. But every once and a while it gets uncontrollably itchy, and I have to run to the aloe plant and salve my wound, just as I run to his throne, and say "Daddy, will you just hold me here a while" God's bringing me to a place of healing, and the itchyness is getting fewer and further between...

He's a romantic one

So today we went canoeing.
Amazing.
Beautiful.
So many scenes that just take my breath away.
I was sitting at the bough (?the front?) of the canoe,
just drinking it all in.
I was looking at all of the interesting houses.
Their different shapes.
Interesting features that I hadn't seen before.
All along the water's side.
I thought about how one day I would love to build a house.
Maybe before my (future) husband and I marry.
I've been thinking about marriage a lot lately.
So I tell God..." I want someone to romance me"
"I want to be romanced"
"swept off my feet"
so...a little laterI see that there is something red floating in the river.
I want to see what it is.
We continue forward,
and just close enough so that I can get a better look.
when I realize what it is I stretch my arm over the side of the canoe and pull it into the boat
A rose.
a single
fresh cut
redrose
beautiful.
God just romanced me.
it was beautiful.
and I love him
He's a romantic one...

yesterday isn't for today

I told God that he needed to perserve this rose

that it would last until the healing is done as a reminder

i asked him to supernaturally not let this rose wither


and then i remembered, This God that I love

he is not limited to one rose

haha,

he has an endless supply


not that it's always going to be roses,

its just that idea opened me up

for my heart can be romanced by so many things

and today it was through a stream of encouragement from friends


I had been feeling pretty discouraged

I didn't even realize it until I started to get the encouragement

it was like wow,

Thank you Jesus

I needed that...


And today I noticed that part of my rose is turning brown



its dieing

and it reminded me of how

DAILY

i need my rose from my father


daily i need to seek his face

run toward his embrace

yesterday's manna won't be able to feed me today

An Unconditional Love

A love that bears all things
We spit on his face-
the one whose hands have bore the nails for our sin
We turn away to seek the warm embrace of lovers arms
Only to find us that it leaves us with a bite of cold that keeps us seeking for more.

We turn away from
deny
slander
the name, whose alone BREATHES LIFE

Daily we drive the nails back into his flesh
sometimes with out a flinch
a bat of the eye

Instead of gratitude for what he's done
we live self-centeredly,
a for and to myself sor of life
when all he poured out was
compassion
mercy
grace

How long O Lord will you be silent?
When will your voice be heard in this desert place
When will this nation fall on their knees and pray and seek your face and turn from our wicked ways?

And though daily in my hand I hold the hammer
daily your arms are open wide for me to run into
to seek comfort
refuge
strength

Daily waiting to hear my voice,
and see my face,
to seek your firely love instead of my lovers cold embrace

For you are slow to anger and quick to love
slow to punsih and quick to heal

Let your healing waters wash over me
Let your love and mercy set me free
Let this love of mine intertwine with the veins of your heart
let what is yours become what is mine

I don't understand how time and time again you are there ready to greet me
you run out of the house
and hug me once more
even after prostituting myself and my inheritance
even though i drip of sweat that is not my own

I'll take you back, always...

So I've not been very good at spending time with God lately,
at all really,
little prayers throughout my day, hearing his voice, in the day to day,
but not setting aside that unadultered just me and God time,
It's been a couple of weeks,
One of my good freinds that I haven't spoken to in FOREVER called
It was amazing
catching up on life,
remembering where we once were,
reflecting on where we are now,
where we desire to be...
a short pause- "I'm going to let you go, I feel COMPELLED to spend time with God" cool, YAY Jesus, he's gonna spend time with you, and inspiration came while talking to me, yay, cool God...
so I feel convicted.
I NEED to spend time with God,
EVERY bone in my body longs for it, aches within me I feel so far, its been a whle,
so I try
and after long periods of time not spending time with God, it always feels awkward,
I don't know what to do,
I fumble around gathering books, and my journal, and my Bible, what do I read should I read should I pray, should I write, how to go about this? I get frusterated with all the preparations and set it aside, can't do this...
"God, help me to spend time with you. I miss you, I love you, I need to surrender, I need your help, don't let me avoid you, I need you, my every breath I breath for you, show me how to know you more, don't let me fall away"

AND HE DIDN'T ...

The next day I woke up EXHAUSTED after sleeping, I woke up feeling like I hadn't slept in weeks (maybe a little exagerated but still...) and my Trapezius muscles totaly tense (they are the muscles that start on the back of your head (occipital lobe) and go down all the way into your shoulder blade. The part of my neck was hurting - and I knew it was spiritual - but I didnt' know how.
So I did the whole spiritual warfare thing, assuming it was an attack,
but I didn't experience that lift like I normally do when I sense oppressive spirits leave.
I asked God what it had to do with, for the holy spirit to come and show me, no reply...
And then I asked for the most powerful angels to come and rage war, and I felt a lift, as though claws were leaving the nape of my neck, like a loosening of grips, but at the same time holding on by one talonesque thing, holding on, and resisting in my left shoulder blade, like it had shifted.
So I asked God what is that one thing?
Am I holding onto something,
am I sinning in some area that I am giving the enemy access to prey on?
... A couple of things come up, and I confess them, but there is still something. I pray and go to sleep.

And wake up hours later in EXCRUCIATING pain,
not only is the pain unbearable in my neck,
but the pain was causing a nauseaousness that almost sent me to hang my head over the procelin...

And at this point I knew I needed help,
this was bigger than me,
I contemplated texting or calling someone, so that they could take up arms with me,
And I asked God who I should call,
and he responds with, you have people RIGHT HERE
BUT Gaaawwwwd, I whine,
I don't want to wake them up,
I'd much rather wake up my young adult freinds who are used to more eratic sleep patterns, who don't have to wake up uber early and take kids to daycare before work,
no response - he had already told me where to take this

so I walk down the dark hallway to the last door on the left and knock so lightly (as not to wake them up, when I'm really looking to wake them up...),
no response
so I knock a little bit louder
and I am greeted at the door by my aunt

So I explain my situation
relating to her what I view as a spiritual attack
so we walk into my room to pray
there was a mix of praying to God, and comanding the enemy to leave in Jesus name,
and then she paused for a while as she massaged part of my back (that wasn't hurting, but as she did released some of the pain higher)
and she had some VERY STRONG words from God

She was given insight into my life that I hadn't shared about,
she was given words of knowledge that laid the innerworkings of my heart bare,
and at the end of each thing, an invitation to surrender these areas -(that I thought I had completely surrendered- but evidentillay had picked back up again)

She brought my rose next to my airmattress on the floor, and she said tha tGod wants it near me, its a reminder to WAIT, that he will look after my heart, and basically an reinvite to continue down a path to healing of my emotions, that he wants a greater healing, and to wait, that he will heal my emotions, and THEN introduce someone into my life, but to wait for that. and to continue with him in this journey to heal my heart... WHEW!

So this was a catalyst
for me to pour out my heart before the throne of my king
to lay my heart before him
bare
once more
unashamed in his presence
and able to place my heart in his hands
full of pent up hurts
and disapointments
and unforgiveness
and desires
and descouragement
and with that I fell asleep with peace still with some soreness in my neck,
but the brunt of it gone

and when I awoke this morning, there was more to bring before him,
and I fell asleep again
for the whole morning and into the afternoon
but it was good
it was refreshing
it was needed

to rest
to recover
to receive that ministry that one receives while sleeping
to interceed in that way that only one can while asleep
to be able to just be.

And it is good

The pain is still here,
and its a constant reminder to keep bringing what comes up back to him, that he wants to carry it all - that I wasn't ment to

first

So I want to get in the habit of blogging, so that when it comes time to be out and about in the world, I will be able to continue this habit.

Today we took a nice long ride, and ended up in a little tourist trap of a bavarian village.

Ice cream

shops

more shops

brats

more shops

I bought a freshwater pearl ring wrapped in sterling silver in an eratic sort of way, it's really pretty,unique for sure

talked with my sister this morning, that was a nice treat

Today was the first day of the trip that I haven't talked to my best friend, kind of weird,not gonna lie

highlight of the day - trying on silly hats with my cousin

Jumping with glee because of Him who is at work in and through me

Sorry for not updating about the rest of outreach, stories to be released soon!

For the past couple of weeks I was asking God why it is that I am still in Africa, - what is His purpose in this, as I felt like I wasn't doing too much. He started to minister to me about just being, just being, living loving and delighting in Him is where He wants me.

I felt like I needed to do in order to earn His approval, earn His love. But its becoming more and more a reality that I can just rest in that love and His perfect love casts out all fear. In Him there is not fear... "Fear not, for I have loved you, I have called you by name, you are mine" This has been a constant struggle to really truly live out, but I see it become more and more real every day, and a true and pure worship springing from this coming forth.

It is in stepping out in faith beyond the fears trusting in His goodness that I can see ahead.

TODAY I STEPPED OUT. I went to hang out with a bunch of boys from a pretty rough township, that this amazing group of people have just lavished the Father's love to, and have made such a difference in their lives. I can see the transforming power of Christ in these boys lives, that I have only just met, and it is INCREDIBLE I was able to ENTER into that, maybe not to the extent that I desired to, but it was a step.

And by just being available, God ministered so much to me through these boys. AND I was presented with the opportunity to be a part of a team that is going to be doing "the divine plumbline" inner healing in the community here in Worcester.

A new friend that I met just recently asked me what I was doing this upcoming week, and since I am totally available, she told me about this and invited me to be a part of the team and as she spoke I felt this Holy Spirit sensation, and God spoke "this is why you are still here" So when she told me to pray about it, I just agreed to do so because I knew.

My hesitation being that I didn't go through the training that they did during the last week, but as Ithought that, God spoke that if I had gone to the training I would be relying on my own knowledge and understanding and not trusting Him and the gifts and equipting He has already placed in me.

So its a week long thing, and then I have the weekend back here before leaving for home on tuesday!

Iam so excited for this week as I believe that I will see feel and be a part of seeing the light of Christ bind up the broken hearted and set the captives free. I'm jumping up an down inside - saying God Here I am Send me =D


Isaiah 61
The Year of the LORD's Favor
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners, [a]
2 to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,

3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.